The Back to the Wall Affair
by Uncle Charlie
Summary: All of THRUSH has descended upon Napoleon and Illya and they are desperate for help... perhaps too desperate. Warning: Please read this with your tongue firmly planted in your cheek.
Napoleon's breath came gasp after agonizing gasp. He stumbled and nearly fell, but caught himself at the last minute and pushed on.

"Do me a favor?" Illya was panting as hard as his partner was. "The next time you escape, don't bring all of THRUSH to the party."

The sound of distant shouts spurred them on as a dark shape loomed on the horizon. "If we can make it to that building, we might be able to lay low."

"Or be sitting ducks. I think we should push on."

"Then it's a good thing I'm in charge." Napoleon didn't need to see the glare that Illya sent in his direction.

They managed to breech the factory's less-than-impressive defense and make their way inside.

"Look around and see if you can find something to use as a weapon." Napoleon barricaded the door as best he could and immediately started to scout for a location. There was a catwalk set to the rear of the building. It would give them the advantage of being over the enemy when they broke through the front door. He pointed and Illya nodded tightly. He knew better than to argue with Napoleon at a time like this.

Napoleon wound his way through the defunct machines and dust-covered trash from a former life. He gave the stairs to the catwalk a try and although they groaned under his weight, they held.

Lights from helicopters illuminated the factory floor through the broken glass of the skylight and Napoleon doubled his efforts, knowing Illya was on his heels.

He hefted a thick piece of metal and leaned it against the railing. That should provide adequate protection from a frontal assault. Now he just had to worry about everything else.

Napoleon heard noises, Illya's voice muttering and then he appeared, caked with dust. "I think I've found something. He offered Napoleon a small canister. "It looks like they were hand producing these for whatever reason."

"What is it?" Napoleon held it up and squinted at it. It reminded him of a toy he had as a child. When you tipped it, it would moo. His sister had told him it was canned cow. He'd cried for an hour before realizing she had only been teasing and only after he'd dismantled it.

"An explosive. I won't go into the details, but I would advise against dropping one."

"What do I do with it?"

"Throw it and take cover."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to try to make a few more."

Napoleon clapped him on the shoulder and took up the watch. From the approaching noise, it sounded as if all of THRUSH had arrived. The poor door to the factory never really stood a chance. It crumbled under the attack force.

In a moment, everything was mayhem and Napoleon had to decide whether to betray their hiding spot or take the advantage.

"I sure hope Illya knows what he's talking about." He threw the canister as hard as he could and it landed at the base of a jeep, clanging to a stop.

"Up there!" someone shouted and Napoleon couldn't believe he'd been undermined by a dud.

Then the factory shook from the explosion and the jeep flipped over backwards, spilling its contents. Napoleon threw two more and they joined their brother in shaking the rafters of the buildings.

"Illya, these are great, but I need more. A lot more." Napoleon glanced around and found three more explosives. "Three isn't going to cut it."

Dodging a hail of bullets as they ricocheted off the steel plate, Napoleon aimed and delivered three more well-placed bombs. Yet, still THRUSH was coming.

"Illya!" Then Napoleon noticed a case of the devices. "Good going, Illya!"

The battle was blazing and as Napoleon bounced up to deliver his next round, a bullet _chuffed_ past his ear and he realized there were snipers on the roof. Pinned and with no cover, Napoleon did his best to avoid catching a bullet. He raced back towards the office where Illya had been working.

"Illya, we got company on the roof. I need your gun." He looked around, but there was no one there. "ILLYA!"

Suddenly, he felt something patting his leg.

"Boss, boss!"

He looked down and there was a small capsule-shaped creature standing there. It was wearing bib overalls and most importantly, it was holding something that looked like a gun.

" _Bello_!" it said and held the weapon towards him. It looked like no other weapon he'd ever seen, but Napoleon wasn't going to look a gift horse or whatever this thing was in the mouth.

" _Hana, dul, sae bee do! Bee do, bee do!_ "

Napoleon had no idea what it was saying. "What? I don't understand."

" _Bee do! Bee do!"_ The thing turned aimed at the THRUSH on the roof and fired. A red blast of something spurted out the nozzle and coated the THRUSH with a thick red ooze. " _Kam pai!"_ it shouted joyfully.

There were immediate shouts as their enemy withdrew. "I get it – bee do means fire."

"Ya, ya." The thing offered the weapon again.

Shouts drew Napoleon's attention and he aimed down the metal stair case and pulled the trigger. He was surprised at the recoil as the liquid shot out and drenched the THRUSH, who started coughing and gagging.

He turned to smile at the thing and there were three of them, one taller than the other and the third with only one eye. What really amazed him were the weapons they held, a battle axe and a grenade launcher. Napoleon grinned. "Now this is what I'm talking about."

Illya came running out the office, surrounded by at least another dozen of the yellow creatures, each one carrying a box of bombs. He stopped. "Oh, I see you've met my friends."

"Who are they?"

"Um, Dave, Phil, Kevin, Donald and I think the tall one is Kenny. There was some debate."

"What are they?" Napoleon looked back to where the things were waging war against THRUSH.

"No idea, other than lifesavers."

"Boss, Boss!" Napoleon's original helper shouted and he looked down, but the little yellow guy was staring in another direction and waving. He grabbed Napoleon's jacket and started to pull him as a man stepped from the shadows. He was bald, with a long pointed nose and a barrel chest.

"What is it, Kevin?"

"Unca!" He pointed to Napoleon. The man studied him critically.

"Are these yours?"

"They are my minions, yes." The minions came swarming out from seemingly every crevice and nook until the floor seemed a solid carpet of them.

"They were very helpful in our attempts to ward off THRUSH. Thank you."

"And you are?"

"Napoleon Solo and that is my partner Illya Kuryakin." Illya held up a hand in a slight wave. "We're from U.N.C.L.E."

The man rolled his eyes and then pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oh, when I said I wanted uncle, I meant my uncle, not the UNCLE!"

The yellow mob let out a uniform, "Aaawwww."

"Bi do, boss." Kevin seemed deflated.

"It's all right, at least you know this factory won't be replicating any more of our delicious jellies and jams without our approval.

Another minion, Dave, Napoleon thought, stuck out his tongue in disgust at the mention of the jellies and jam.

"Still, no harm done. I am Gru." He shook Napoleon's hand.

"Gru? Aren't you a super villain?"

"What? No, I don't think so. I am retired and the purveyor of delicious jams and jellies." This time there was more widespread noises of disgust. "Knock it off, fellas. Thank you for keeping them out of mischief."

"Out of… we should hire them," Illya said as he waded through the yellow bodies to join the group. "One week of them and THRUSH would be no more."

"Trust me on this one. Stop while you are ahead." He gestured to the group. "All right, back to the lab."

As if they didn't even exist any longer, Napoleon and Illya were abandoned as a teeming yellow carpet followed Gru away. Then one broke away, ran back to hug Illya's leg and raced off to join his fellow minions.

"Ah, you have a buddy."

"Say what you will, they saved us, Napoleon…" There was a shout and both men froze. Cautiously, Napoleon approached the edge of the catwalk.

"Napoleon! Illya!"

"It's Mike." Napoleon waved. "We're up here."

By the time Mike made it up the stairs, he was a sticky mess. "What the hell happened? It looks like this place is covered in… jelly."

"And delicious jam." Illya winked at Napoleon. "I can't wait to write this one up."


End file.
